A few years back I was on my couch relaxing (probably just finished firing off some knuckle children or preparing to do so. Hey it was a boring day, don't judge.) when my good buddy Eric texted me with an idea for a piece he wanted to write. As a former blogger for a few sites I was familiar with his work and have to admit, I was a fan. While not a supporter of a club I have fond feelings for (absolutely hate) his work was always well thought out and very articulate in my opinion. He then mentioned starting his own site and tossed out the idea of me joining him in this venture. Now on this particular Sunday afternoon I was in the midst of an alcohol infused haze. Admitedly I was a bit fixchased. Whats that youre thinking? Well it's a lot like shitfaced but worse. In this state I thought this was a brilliant idea not taking into account the fact that I absolutely suck as a writer. Suck isn't a strong enough word but I can't think of something stronger. Lets say I suck slightly less than that meth addict hooker from that Breaking Bad episode that had the montage where she blew everyone within a 5 mile radius. Yeah, her but just a few cocks short. I've always wished I could do it (the writing not the meth and knob slobbing) but it's a skill I sadly lack. After sobering up I wasn't as enthused but said fuck it. I'll give it a shot. A few pieces later I proved my chops at knocking out garbage articles that were more entertaining for how pathetic they were than well written. I fancy myself a great talker but the words don't translate to paper for me like they do Eric. Fast forward to present and he is back doing his thing and busting out great pieces.He has asked me to do what I can and stink the place up worse than a white castle fart again so I decided to oblige in hopes that it might inspire more form him and help keep things rolling in the right direction. As most of you know my beloved Arsenal finally ended the trophy drought this past weekend and there are a few points I'd like to touch on so continue at your own risk and hopefully you'll bear with me and find amusement in my ramblings.
Why am I still doubting Arsene Wenger? Why do we as sports fans always feel we know best when we cleary know dick about the actual goings on? Everyone who knows me well knows that I am the most hard headed asshole around so it probably isn't a shocker when I don't learn. The man admittedly has taken more undeserved shit than a taco bell toilet and it's sad to say numerous times I have been amongst the haters. Like a horrible rap cliche his haters are his motivators though. He has done so much with so little and kept the boat afloat many years against odds that only a handful of managers could overcome. Yet he still takes shit. He's taken m ore shit than a case of depends in Mexico after some old fucker drank the water. As he took Podolski off for Sanogo I was back amongst the shit giving. Taking off our most clinical finisher for a man who has proven he isn't ready for this level and looks like a newborn horse trying to stand up every time the ball is at his feet while down 1 appeared to be the stupidest move since I tried writing a serious piece for The Razor. By the games end it proved to be the right move. Sanogo brought a pace and physicality against a squad determined to kick us off the field that made the difference on the day. I really think this substitution made the difference that ultimately won us the cup. He even had a part in the winning goal. If this was hockey he would've been given the 2nd assist that other sports don't recognize the importance of. Taking off Cazorla who was our best player on the day was frowned upon by many supporters at the time but I definitely agreed Rosicky brought a pace and drive that was badly needed so I was in agreeance there. So for doubting the most intelligent manager in football I owe Wenger a sincere apology. My parents have 4 dogs which is actually a low number for them. They constantly watch dogs for family who are out of town or have multiple more when myself or my sister visit. To the extent that sometimes there are a dozen dogs at their house. So to a man that has taken more shit than my parents back yard all while constantly winning and doing things the right way and with extreme class,I say sorry boss. I'll try to keepmy ignorant opinions to myself from now on. Can't promise my thick skulled ass will be succesful but I'll try
Has there ever been a more funloving guy than Lukas Podolski? The man is always smiling and the pictures of him pouring a 40oz Budweiser on Arsene and wearing the top cups lid like a hat while giving the goofiest smiles ever really nailed down the point. Vermaelen dropped the lid while over zealously raising the cup too fast and Lukas knew exactly what to do. I couldn't help but laugh seeing a grown man looking like an exuberant little kid. Also he poured that 40 on Arsene like he was his fallen homie and pouring the beer on him was going to actually bring him back. I loved it.
Gus Johnson is the man. Fox knew what they were doing when they put him in charge of calling their soccer matches. The man might know jack shit about the game but he brings an excitement only matched by Hispanic announcers that is sorely needed in a sport a majority of Americans find about as exciting and painful as recieving a 90 minute long titty twister. If we could only teach him to yell GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!! he'd be the perfect man for the job. That and he needs to put his foot down and make them cut out the make up. I think Fox is fucking with him by constantly having him look like a trasvestite who is over doing it. Is all that blush and lipstick really necessary? come on Fox.
On the flip side we have Eric Wynalda. He blows way harder than the hooker from Breaking Bad. I couldn't stand him as an analyst for Fox. He doesn't know shit about shit and spends a majority of his time bashing Arsenal for nogood reason. Listening to his verbal diarrhea as the color commentator I couldn't help but think he is the cuntiest cunt who is currently cunting in the football world until I remembered the existance of John Terry, Luis Suarez, Wayne Rooney, and Jose Morinho. So he's made the top 5. Congratulations you worthless shit head. He had no real insight, no enthusiam,a serious inability to call the match objectively, and sounded like he had no desire to even be there. Put the lipstick and horrible make up on him so he can be seen as the joke he truly is. Apparently across the pond Michael Owen is just as bad if not worse. I have no clue why all the butt hurt but when I get my butt massager company off the ground to cure butt hurt forever I'll send them both one for free to help them get over their chapped asses.
Aaron Ramsey. The Welsh Jesus. I feel like that's all that needs to be said but after the season he has had I'd love to hump his leg. The man struggled to recover after his horrific leg break a few years back and became the most hated player at the club but he fought through everything to be our best palyer this year and score the game winner. For some reason Diaby is given a pass for never being the same after a broken leg but Ramsey was never forgiven. The double standard was a bit unwarranted but now he is a legend. Well done sir.
And last but most importantly ARSENAL WON THE CUP!!!! After 9 years of constantly being reminded we haven't won anything we can now send a collective fuuuuuck you! to everyone who felt the need to rub that fact in our collective face. Many clubs have gone much longer but for some reason it has been the stick used to repeatedly bash Arsenal supporters in the nuts with. Wenger is a specialist in failure huh Mourinho? How many trophies did you win this season, you twat? Days later and the excitment of this win is still fresh inside me and I love it. Here's to the upcoming community shield and many more.
